http://forum.ebaumnation.com/ Got a joke, funny story, embarrassing moment, or anything funny you want to share? Post in here! en Thu, 02 Sep 2010 19:28:00 GMT vBulletin 60 http://forum.ebaumnation.com/images/vblue_dark/misc/rss.png http://forum.ebaumnation.com/ http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50863-Psychiatrist-phone&goto=newpost Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:22:30 GMT Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask... Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

- ]]> Jackwang http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50863-Psychiatrist-phone http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50862-What-is-the-time&goto=newpost Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:21:53 GMT A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell... A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."


- ]]> Jackwang http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50862-What-is-the-time http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50861-A-mental-hospital&goto=newpost Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:21:17 GMT After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital... After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."


- ]]> Jackwang http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50861-A-mental-hospital http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50860-Upset-is-unhealthy&goto=newpost Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:20:30 GMT The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.



- ]]> Jackwang http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50860-Upset-is-unhealthy http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50859-Fixing-an-ailment&goto=newpost Thu, 12 Aug 2010 08:15:49 GMT In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."



- ]]> Jackwang http://forum.ebaumnation.com/showthread.php?50859-Fixing-an-ailment